Thank Heaven for Little Girls

I have to unload a particular burden that has been weighing me down, which is a hard decision to make because I hate to air my dirty laundry or seem like I'm complaining, especially where my kids are concerned. But I'm hoping that talking it out will at least either (a) help me put things into perspective, or (b) hold me accountable to measure my progress. (Besides, airing dirty laundry DOES help it seem at least a little fresher, right? At least until you have the time to actually wash it!) In all seriousness, though, this is all very personal and an extremely sensitive topic for me, so I hope it does not come across as demeaning or disrespectful to any of my children, as of course I love them immensely.

So lately I've had a hard time being my idea of a "good" mom to a certain eldest daughter of mine. And by "lately," I mean for the past 5 years. I won't waste time on the disclaimers about how much I truly do love her and how she is actually very wonderful, because we all know that is completely true. But to be honest, sometimes I feel like this child is my Gethsemane. I don't mean to sound negative and foreboding about that - I also have a college degree, but I have learned eons more from this 7-year-old child than I ever did from 17 years of formal education. She and I are unalike in all the hardest ways, and in all the areas where I am sarcastic and impatient, she is the most sensitive and vulnerable. When she was two years old, she would throw massive, dramatic, passionate tantrums, always in public places, and I would stand and stare dumbfounded, thinking to myself that this has got to be the first time in my adulthood that I have completely had no idea what to do. When she would need extra hand-holding and attention was always when I was most frustrated and exhausted by her neediness. When I would most want her to buckle down and get something done was when she was most incapable of focusing her attention. Sometimes I felt like we were each born in a different dimension of the universe.

I already sound like I'm complaining about her, but I completely acknowledge that the number one problem here actually lies with me. When I let my emotions run wild (specifically, impatience, frustration, disappointment, anger) she responds in turn (defeat, negativity, frustration, disappointment). I've been meeting with a group of moms who get together to discuss some parenting strategies developed by the masterminds behind Boys Town in Utah and also a genius mom named Nicholeen Peck who has run a website, television programs, speaking engagements, etc. on this topic. Seriously, it's like a support group. I kind of feel like I'm attending 12-step meetings. And like maybe I should begin every comment with, "Hi, I'm Krista (group: 'Hi, Krista.') and I, too, engage in overemotional parenting." The book we've been reading is called Teaching Self-Government, and I've also been reading a textbook called Teaching Social Skills to Youth, both of which are awesome. The key principle, to start out, is controlling your emotions. As soon as you switch on that escalating reaction, you engage in a power struggle and (surprise) get nowhere. All too familiar at my house! When I CAN walk my kids through a disciplinary process while showing zero emotion (nearly impossible, I assure you) the results are amazing. It's getting myself under control in the first place that is the hardest part! I can definitely add that that is 100 times worse when I am pregnant, and tired, and aching, and oh yeah, have been raising my children and running a household completely alone for a full month, which also happens to be the coldest, darkest, and most miserable month of the year to top it off. Yeah, that'll do it! But all the same, I am trying. Every day, every decision, every word that comes out of my mouth, still trying.

Kate completely acknowledges both my efforts and her own struggles, which is both helpful and harmful. She is not the type to rise to a challenge, but instead she will always walk the path of defeat. If she recognizes that I'm frustrated over some choices she's made, she is very hard on herself and wallows in guilt and self-pity. But sometimes she'll also try to make excuses or shift the blame, usually to me. She is just SO sensitive and passionate, I think it's sometimes overwhelming for such a small child. Let me cite a few examples. (If you weren't already convinced that I am a cold and callous person, this might do the trick. Because these are heart-breakers.)

My mom gave me a little book for my 17th birthday called In Praise and Celebration of Daughters. Kate found it and read it, and she showed me one of the entries one night after an argument we'd had:

Ouch... Very good advice, and very deep. She told me to try to remember this and that this is what it means to have a daughter.

It was almost immediately followed by this note the next day:

Again with the book! I thought it was sweet that it apparently had such an impact on her delicate little heart. (Although when she brought it up a third and fourth time to try to get out of something, I knew when I was being manipulated.) But still, as a lover of the written word and a firm believer that the pen is mightier than the sword, I have to say I was effectively silenced by her candid pleas for understanding.

This girl loves to write notes. If note-writing was one of the five "love languages," it would definitely be hers. (Mine is food, for the record. But that's a whole different subject for another time.) Here are a couple more, again written after a rough day:

And then we come to last night. My kids have been having a rough time lately going to bed (and staying there!) Last night at bedtime my frustrations boiled over, and Kate and I had a throw-down where we rehashed all of my trigger points throughout the day. Time management is not her forte (more on that later), so she was upset when she didn't get to do some of the things she wanted because I was making her work. I was frustrated because her jobs were small ones and she was dragging them out and turning them into a huge ordeal when she could have just bit the bullet and it would all have been over in 15 minutes. After a long and arduous bedtime argument (for the record, that is NOT one of the problem-solving methods advised in any of the books I've read, just in case you were wondering where I got the genius idea to spend bedtime with my daughter angrily recounting all the things that went wrong that day) we both cooled off alone, and when I went to bed, I found my bed neatly made and this note on top:

You see what I mean about heart-breaking. Of course I wrote her a lengthy note in response (remember that's her "language"!) reassuring her that I knew she was meant for me and that she does help me and we still have fun and play, but it's also important to learn to do things we don't want to do.

And on that subject: back to the time-management issues. She has particular trouble staying on task, and she even recently underwent an evaluation by the guidance counselor at her school. She was observed and rated for the time she spent on task, and it was significantly lower than her classmates. It isn't that she's wild or distracting, or even that she's performing on a lower academic level. She is just easily distracted and tends to dream a little. I was just the same as a young child and eventually mostly grew out of it as I got older. (I do still have an attention problem though!) Seeing that this is such a clear challenge for her, both at school and at home, is really hard. Part of me wants to push her harder (that is a mother-daughter thing, I think) and part of me aches for her because she evidently has a harder time than the average child completing even the simplest tasks. So I constantly find myself torn between making allowances for her, because I know this is a particular weakness of hers, or pushing her harder than ever to overcome the weakness and turn it into a strength. I guess I am still learning how much of each her spirit can take. I've tried to tell her that the whole point of life (well, this could get very deep and elaborate, but one of the main points of life) is to learn how to do things we don't want to or that are particularly hard. I told her that my mantra when I'm faced with a difficult situation is "I can do hard things." She didn't like that very much, but I keep telling her anyway.

Anyhow, I am sure this will continue to be a rocky, arduous, difficult, enlightening, and inspiring journey, but I think we are both up to the challenge (whether she knows it yet or not). I suppose that is why we don't get to pick our family members - we are dealt the hand that will help us grow the most! And little Kate and I are certainly growing like weeds! I will try to stay focused and continue to report my progress!