"I rush and rush until life's no fun..."

Two nights ago I had the worst dream. Okay maybe not as scary as the RECURRING dream I've been having lately about being chased by a giant gorilla, but disturbing nonetheless. I dreamed that Kate broke my glasses, and I was SO angry at her I yelled and yelled and I think I even spanked her. When I woke up I was both relieved that my glasses AND my child's self esteem were still intact, but also I was horrified by the apparent revelation of my subconscious reaction. These are just THINGS - do I really deep down think they are more important than my own children? And what's more, why did I punish her for something that was clearly an accident? Neither of my children are as clumsy or careless as I am, and I can safely say that the majority (literally, probably 97%) of things in our home that have been broken or ruined were entirely my fault. Am I really such a hypocrite? I was so embarrassed by my dream-state insensitivity. I can chalk it up to pregnancy hormones or my typical super-elevated state of drama while sleeping, I suppose, but it still gave me a little reality check.

Later it was off to church, and in Relief Society we had a lesson based on this talk. It was aptly titled, "Don't Be in a Hurry." I sat up straight in my chair to listen because, well, story of my life. And then I had that country song in my head the whole hour - the one that goes, "I'm in a hurry to get things done," because I knew if Travis was there he'd be singing it in my ear. And sure enough, when I told him our lesson topic in the car on the way home, he burst into song. Travis and I have often talked about how we sometimes find ourselves feeling like we are constantly "waiting..." At this point in our lives, I feel like we are living in a very long stretched-out state of limbo. Waiting until he finishes graduate school, until the baby is born, until I don't have to teach piano anymore, until he gets into medical school, until he FINISHES medical school, until Kate is in school, until we have a house... And we are always trying to remind ourselves that life is NOT about the waiting, and if we think like that then we will be surprised to find nothing left at the end. I feel like I am wishing our lives away, pushing through my children's whole childhood as if we're impatiently standing in line. Last week I was looking over some pictures from last summer, and trying to remember how long ago it was. Then I realized it was only a YEAR! I couldn't believe it. How did that happen so fast? These girls transformed from cheeky little toddlers into grown-up little ladies in only one year! Moreover, what have I spent that past year doing? I thought back really hard and tried to remember. Cleaning the house? Yes it seems like I did a lot of that. Running around from one meaningless "project" or errand to the next in a mindless frenzy? Yep plenty of that too. Playing with my girls? Dressing up and throwing tea parties and reading stories and playing at the park and building couch-cushion forts? Uh oh, not so much.

Something's gotta give.

Here's a little excerpt from that talk about not being in a hurry: "It is true that we have work enough to do, but when it comes to busyness, we may be taking our cues from the world rather than the Lord and His servants. Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1926-2004) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles cautioned us against a “frantic, heedless busyness … [that often] crowds out contemplation and … leaves no room for renewal.” He likened thoughtful “intervals between [our] tasks” to “the green belts of grass, trees, and water that … interrupt the asphalt,” and he said that when we “plan some time for contemplation and renewal,” we will feel drawn to our work instead of driven to it." I am constantly having to bite my tongue when I feel a surge of impatience every time my daughters literally stop to smell the roses. My conscience says, "Really, Krista? What is more important?" but then my head snaps back, "I have 15 things to do before naptime! I don't have time for this!" (What a brat, huh?) Apparently I will willingly ignore the green belts of grass, trees, and water in favor of the asphalt.

So this is where I turn into those mid-life-crisis-stricken self-help book authors who make a pledge to slow down and consider the important things in life and try to see the big picture and don't sweat the small stuff, and so on. But honestly, I'm starting to recognize the need for a little intervention. I need to make a conscious effort to focus on enjoying the enjoyable parts of life rather than the silly unimportant ones. I even feel a little bit cheated or jealous or resentful (not sure which) of the stupid things that have been occupying my time and attention in the place of my fast-growing little girls. I suppose the whole point is to find a balance, but I don't feel like that's even crossed my mind. Anyway I'd better stop rambling (again, blaming the hormones. They make me a little dramatic and sentimental. I may be suffering from a mild chocolate deficiency.) and leave my little resolution at that. Oh and one last thought, from President James E. Faust: “Our hurry to meet the relentless demands of the clock tears away at our inner peace.” TEARS AWAY - doesn't that sound so cruel and violent? Well it is. Like a giant gorilla.

Just for the sake of reminiscence, here are a few of those pictures from only one year ago: